Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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