You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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