I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize