youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
