addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
