I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
