Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
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