I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She needs sedatives and a leash
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
