You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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