dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
