good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
