i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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