I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
