Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
