Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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