i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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