Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
