My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
