Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Princesses don't give blow jobs
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
