....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
