just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Randomize
