I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize