remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Randomize
