I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
