Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
