I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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