too bad you live with your parents still
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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