you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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