I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize