RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
