I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
