i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I know her cup size but not her name....
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
