I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
