I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
