I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize