shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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