my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You're a waste of cheezeits
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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