im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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