who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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