New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize