Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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