wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I love having hate sex.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
