My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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