You can't special order awesome
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
