Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
