I am puke
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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