6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
