I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
