the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
