theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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