Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
