this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
