He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
