I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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