one two three fourrrrnication!
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
smell my finger.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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