when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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