I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
