Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
