I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
