If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
